~Contrdiction to my thoughts~

Till now..at this very moment, I thought I've accepted it but I was so wrong. It just doesn't make sense to me. How can the story turn out this way? How cruel the world is... Now that I realised no matter how hard u treat someone, it just won't change the way he or she treat you. I am indeed naive. Naive for 20 over years. Without failing, I've been giving chances for one year. Isn't it too over?

"Treat someone good, and you shall be showered with love from your chosen one."

How naive back then. I remembered a friend told me that couple should communicate more. But where are those chances if we always lack of time? Although friends come and go but they definitely sound more friendly than the one 'close' to me. Having this concept for my life and rejected just because I got such a lesson. It's such an unbelievable world. This is what I called the transformation of men to beast...

Nowadays anything can happened. Today I heard a horrible news from a friend bout a student was slashed to death by robbers at my area here. For the first time, I fear and worried bout my own safety. But what can I do? Just pray to God~

~Beautiful~

Sun...Mon Tues Wed...Sun! Wow the jet of time is coming his way again Zoom there he goes~ Yeah it's Sunday and it's gonna be a new week tomorrow which is another busy and crazy week. I guess this is one of my reason for being so damn lazy during weekend huh? Or it sounds more like an excuse? A dilema again. Well my routine hasn't change much for weekends. Come home and have a long good chat with friends and sleep ZZz. This is how I waste my time. Duh, sounds stupid? Nah it's just a way to release your stress and tension during weekdays. I admit that this semester is a real test of patience that I almost give it up few times before this. But what is the purpose of all this? Don't worry coz this is a question to God not you. Today I'm bloody tired but anyhow I have to stand with my barefeet to face the reality of the world. To ease the process, friends come in place. I love ya guys! Thanks for all the supports, and being there when I needed y'all.

Each smiles we crave on our face bring 1% of joy. Try repeat it 100 times a day and you will find yourself pretty in your own unique way. I'm glad I like to smile and may the smiles on my face be the infectious virus to others as well. After all a meaningful life is all about how we smile through the journey right? It is the confidence that is buried inside ourselves which brings out the word pretty. So go in front of your mirror and shout "I'm beautiful" and cheers!!

Quote of the day~ "Patience doesn't wait forever..."
So here I end my day...zZzzz

~Stress or Burden?~

Chaotics voices, harmful wordings and offensive acts are everywhere around me. But who knows the pain in my head? Where has the peace gone? It's indeed an imperfect group of people living together under one roof. But who to blame for the imperfectness? What are the impurities that cause such disaster? Me myself? It seems like a negative force is dominating the group now, and the positive's power is draining out to the other side. What is stress anyway? Feeling of discomfort? Mentally annoyed due to other's "Bing Bang" act on purpose? Nah..I'm an ignorant animal, if you would like the word animal on me.... It seems like I'm a failure not to understand what is stress since I am facing it each and every seconds and the clock just won't stop ticking..

I'm a failure in a way that I left things unsolved which I don't think I have such gifted power to overcome it. I shouldn't be so weak. To mention all this out, I've proven that I'm weak. I've learnt to be stronger but too bad my limit is here. I can't take in more lessons at the moment. Heavy burden to be carry on my bare shoulder. But what is it? What is this invisible yet heavy burden? Chaotics noises causing distortion to my emotional switches. Once in a while I'll be at my lower peak despite the happiness of the day. Well obviously, something hook on my sensitive button in a corner of my heart. But it ain't gonna be ON long, I'm gonna need to turn it off soon during its reset time.

This is the thoughts of the end of day.....
By the way where should I sleep tonight? My lovely teddy bear bed is occupied!!!

Kelly Clarkson - Because Of You

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Chorus*:
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Repeat *

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid


Because of you

Because of you

~Breathe hard~

I can't breathe, losing myself. Im dying...dying....*RING*!!!
Thank god it was just a nightmare, but as if I'm not struggling in reality. Duh life is so tensed up and busy, just like the nightmares. Dying of suffocation here... due to the busy daily routine. However, I'm glad I'm still able to find time and hook up with some friends in MSN hoho! Well human need rest don't they? Shh...though I don't really do much thing when I'm at home, haha! This has turn out to be my mom's biggest question marks. I swear it will remain as a mystery to her just as it is now.

Come to think of the question. What is the purpose of tertiary education? To choke us to death? Nah..seems like many parents still have that conservative mindset where students should be having an extremely busy and dull life --> busy as in busy with books all the time! I guess I'll be the first one to object this. Having heavy load of assignments and tests etc do not constraint us from entertainment! Ehehe...so to Mom, Sorry but I'm this naughty!

Today is another day flying pass. Weekend goes and comes back real fast! Which means time to earn some extra income again and enjoy life! This is my life after all. It's a tiring and sleepy afternoon. My eyes shutting off itself automatically few times before I shook them wide open again. Well thanks to your coffee my dear brother!! And I guess it causes eye bags to my friends too huh bb? Haha thanks for sharing your interesting stories ya!

Well...guess there's nothing much to do now. Just feel like jumping into the pool and swim til I burn all my fats! Shit~been gaining weight lately due to the food I consumed. I've been craving for food lately, guess it's because of the workloads and stress I'm having. Hope I won't look that bad with extra weight..

Weight!! Ahhhh.........!

~STRONGER~

Good morning...
It's another week ending, and I'll be working again today. Time flies and tests strike like thunder bolt. The load of study is getting heavier from now onwards with all the tests and assignments to be done. That haven't include the revision time! Oh God help me! "Be strong gal" This is what I tell myself everyweek. ~STRONG~Hopefully the word will sink into my heart and I'll be able to apply it.

A short emotional conflict to be released....
He was so ill and yet to recover. A girlfriend was worried but no longer with the same feelings. Why? Responsibility or love? She don't know but just feel weird and busy. Guess she hasn't fully recover from her own "illness" cause by the deep cut she had previously. This is a possibility. She felt the insecureness there, tried too hard to get something and repeatedly got disappointed. How is that everyone? To my attentive readers, you will understand it if you've catch up to the flow of emotional conflicts...It's time to show me your magic of love my dear one.

*Ouch* The pain in my neck is killing me, just wanna twist my head 360 degree and relief the pain there. -Clock strikes 7:30am- Duh...time to get prepared to uni again! Yes it's Saturday and I have to get my ass on the chair of my uni's lab to conduct the unfinished experiment we abandoned yesterday! It's gonna be another busy day. Ciaoz........

~Love Facts~

Unable to express how I feel now but something not right today....
Don't know what it is but it's just not good....
Did I bury more problems in him when his emotion is still fragile?
I'm sorry.......

"Love story" is playing now......
I've cried for this song...
I feel for it and the words touched me.
Will my heart sing this song for him one day?

Love is blind....
Blindfolded those who are so deep in love until they lost their direction.
And that's why I'm walking your direction of life.
We live in fantasy while in love, when we are awake we live in hell (Reality)
Fairy tale is fantasy...but life is cruel~
I don't know which to believe...

Arigatou for the love you've showered me...
Human are born to be greedy...Forgive my greeds~
I love to be simple now...
If you want a long lasting love story,
He got a point which is right - "close your eyes while you're in love"
Feel the chemistry instead of finding the logic out of it...

Mental : Attached? Unattached?
What is so important bout it now?
What I know now is....no matter what...
I'm not available yet..........

~A DARK SKY~

Staring blankly right ahead, on the design of my house's white ceiling. I was lying on the sofa, couldn't get into sleep. I guess there are decades to go for another sweet dreams for myself. Tears rolling down like nobody business. But What are "their" purpose? For a moment I thought my heart had stop beating. Coming to conscious, it is pounding again. Thank god. I'm not dead! Why am I feeling this guilt so heavily? I'm not supposed to feel this since my mistakes have been kept to minimum level. Why is my heart so heavy today? As if a thousand kilos of sandbag has been put on my shoulder. Who makes me carry this? The blame shouldn't be "owned" by anyone. It's too late to put blame or do any cursing and scoldings. It's a mistake that I would never let myself commit and hurt myself ever again.

Now I know,
Tears have come on the right time for myself. They are here for me. They told me that I don't need mercy from the cold human. Tears are my best friends now. They will be the one to accompany me when I'm in my deepest sorrows. Until Mr Sorrows left me. And time will tell......

"Arigatou Tears........."

~DEEP CUT~

Here I am again, since a long time my mind jam and my head was filled with lotsa doubts althought there's not much different on this fresh morning. Fresh morning? Oh it's been long since I really had appreciated the daylight after all the disasters coming to my way time by time.

"I still love you."

I really wonder what is the meaning of this now. It's a truth that I wanna believe in but my body refuses to act on what I want. Over exhausted I guess. Too much to think and solve, those unsolved mystery just won't leave my peaceful space. I guess this could be more tiring than a 100 mile marathon around the KL town. I'm tired yet my heart is stubborn, convincing my body to do something about it....

But I.....don't know what to say more nor do anything to create a chance for us.....

-END-