~About to reveal themselves here~

Below the border is a friend's space that I've invaded. It was a favor he asked for that allows me to easily teleported his ideas to my kingdom here. And I would like to intrigue you with an English version of "The four standing man".
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1st man:

Mysterious. He keeps everything to himself. Trust nobody is one of his principle in life. Hence, he finds trouble to get a true soul mate whom he could talk heart to heart. Well, he should be thinking "I don't need one". To him, ignorance is a bliss. He isn't a sensitive one, considering the fact that he heck cares. As long as people serves him right and nobody step on his lion's tail it is no big deal since he lives his life independently. He doesn't think much and tends to act according to his heart. When he wanted something, it's gonna be his. He would keep it win-win. Despite a negative perception, he is rather a charming egoist. Some might have alreaady addressed him as 'merciless creature' for his pride. His self-centered doesn't really contribute much in giving others a sense of security. Despite all that, he is a real charmer. Miraculously, girls would eventually fell into his lion crawls.

He says, this is 'siu sa' type.

2nd man:

He is the opposite of the first. He usually doesn't go all out and announce to people what he is up to. Keeping low profile is what he wanted. Maybe it's partly due to his low self esteem or his indecisiveness. Til his task accomplished, he wouldn't have let anyone knew about it earlier. He is one who do all the analysing and thinking whenever he encounters obstacles. Hence, he usually live with theories of his own. In fact, he required his close ones to accept his theories too. He is a stubborn head, not able to let go of the past. But if we were to put it in a nicer word he feels for and will never forget what he had once. He is a safe player in the universe. Sensitive, careful and patient.

I say, this is 'po ma'.

3rd man:

He is borned to complicate things. A complex creature most of the time. Even if he is not, it is just his nature to fake it out. Cool, emotionless, thoughtful (although we knew it clearly that his head is empty). He isn't a social butterfly. Tends to be overly self protective that keeps him in isolation. But don't mistaken him, he isn't a bad social after all. It is just that he keeps too much of sorrows inside him and the past usually haunt him forever. Sadly he chooses to carry the burden of nightmares eventhough he is strong enough to let go. Perhaps it looks macho that way? He would never show to anyone his weakness. (God knows..the brilliant knows..)

He says, this supposed to be 'siu sa' but he pretends not to be one.

4th man:

He cares and he minds. For godness sake, just admit it! He tends to be ignorant and pretentious over the surroundings. He tends to avoid showering his love and showing his concern to others. He thought he could swallow everything in a breath. Born to cheat himself. Perhaps acting macho may ease his pain? He is a clown who fake a smiling face when he isn't smiling at all. He is the opposite of the third. He couldn't let go of his past despite the truth of how badly he wanted to. The nightmares haunt him. (The difference from the third is that the 3rd 'grabs' the nightmares himself).

He says, this isn't 'siu sa' and would spend his whole life trying to be one.

~Looks can be deceiving~

Has anyone commented on your IQ before? I'm amazed that even till now many told me that I don't act the way I think. Perhaps I have really acted like a retarded 3-years-old huh? Or it was once a fact that I really am an ill joker. Some say I'm just a clown who hides my emotions. In a contradiction to this, there are people says that I'm a quiet person. Wow, how much of 'me' that I've created in others' hearts. A lovely friend of mine wrote something that caught my interest in his blog. The four types of girls. The list begins with a naive girl, a smart girl, a naive girl but always pretend to be smart one, and lastly a smart girl who tends to pretend as stupid one. For more information, click on Fan Yan's blog on the sidebar. When I asked him jokingly one day where do I belong, without much hesistation he answered the fourth one. So...any objections? Haha...

~Just a quote~

With a bad attitude, you can never have a positive day.

With a positive attitude, you can never have a bad day...

~I a shirker~

Feeling lazy...procrastinating. Feel like going off another day not doing anything. My legs are heavy though I know I should be moving. Having another sip of tea isn't helping at all. Sometimes it gives me this weird feeling after drinking. I wonder what's really inside the tea bag that my body hated. Anyway, it's not important though as long as it doesn't kill me. I'm just in the mood to drink something hot with aroma. Out of the choices in the pantry section, reluctantly my fingers find their way to the bottle of tea sachets.

Just got back from production line. Isn't doing good. In fact, pressure is what I've got each time I see his 'guai lou' face. Well, another 'boss' of mine. A much far away boss, another department. Shooting me with countless theories which I never understand. "You have to analyse." His command is still clear in my head, repeating itself over and over again. H..ho..how? I sighed. And I run through again the data, Gosh there are mistakes in the data. I don't even understand where I got the wrong figures. My lucky numbers? Ah..I left my specs at home so probably I must had mistaken 2 as 5 or 3 as 8. Anyway, they are just excuses! I need to resend and this would have reduced my credits. Damn!

In another half an hour, I have to get my ass out of this office again. Drop test. Turning my head to the right and left and right again. I see nobody. I'm alone again in this 'narrow kingdom' of the trainees. Scrolling my list of contacts, wondering who should I beep. None. So life seems to be pretty empty this morning. Maybe it's the process of procrastination. Should I get another drink? Even before I make myself one, I could already feel the concentrated liquid with strong aroma rolling down my throat. Mmm.. "No way!" Shooing the thoughts away and convincing myself that I definitely need something light and clear. Water please.

~Not slow enough to be dead~

Time flies and a week of holidays ended. "How old am I?" I asked him, deep in thoughts recalling how far I am from being an 18 teenager. I chuckled and reminded myself time never waits. It was fantastic last week, having to spend my time in Penang. Yea I know.. the kingdom of food. Shout the routine of the day, ~E.A.T and S.L.E.E.P~ Ha, you must be wondering how much calories intake I had. To be honest, i can no longer hide my tummy under my tops and trust me it's awful. Appetite is growing already ever since I got home. I crave for snacks more than the main course itself. Hope things are still under control, for goodness sake it's obvious that I'm referring to my body weight!

I walked around Gurney, remembering some friends' request for souvenirs. I thought it would be easy but my hands were up in the air, surrenderring. Sorry, I couldn't get anything for y'all!
Anyway, it was a relax and slow moving vacation. I'm glad he was there with me. Glad that we managed to catch up with some friends and have a drink together and took a few of photo shots. Had great sleeps each and every night. Except on one night when I dreamt of something uneasy, something that I do not wish to come true. Perhaps, it really shows how much I had kept this fear that unconsiously it slipped inside my evil subconscious. I recalled that the day before he told me he dreamt of the same story. Seems like we get even already huh? =)

I've been off blogging for a week. I guess I had too much to write til I don't really know where to begin. Plus, blogging at home is not what I usually do recently. I blog in the office. More inspiring haha. You know my mind tend to be working actively when I'm struggling to get out of the "freezing hell". Nah, just kidding. It becomes a habit already! And guess what? The ambience here doesn't allow me to write any further. Till I'm inspired again......zZz

~Today~

Today I am feeling calm. I recalled a scene from the yoga video. The wave is travelling slowly towards the shore. The sound of them beating the shore over and over again. I see sunset. From light blue sky to orangish, then red purplish and then the sun is gone. The darkness is slowly consuming the blue sky. I don't know where does the source of strength comes from. But somehow I felt its presence. As though something up there guiding me and I felt protected.

I can't wait to finish up my job now. I wanna go do what I wanted to. I wanna meet you. I wanna .... go on holidays! Still I need to wait. I wanna buy a super super low flare jeans. I hope it looks nice on me. Will it? The clock is ticking, showing 12.55pm. It's lunch time. But I am still sitting in the office, not having the apetite to eat. I think I kinda lost the apetite to eat lately. Fruits maybe?

I was reading a blog. I chuckled to myself as I go through the story. It was amazing how well the flow goes. And it's all happened in a short time. And the next thing I know we're together now. Lovely isn't it? And I'm anticipating the next episodes from you baby...

~Trust~

In early morning, I was hooked up with a topic in a conversation with a long-time-no-c friend. Trust. How much can we trust someone? Out of boredom, I shot the question at him. He refused to comment though. It can't be generalised. Well it's very true. Thinking back, only I came to realized that I had trusted so many people in my life. Almost everyone. Close, good, not so close friends. Was it foolish by the way? Or I'm just being naive to think that nobody would want to cheat on me and hurt my feelings.

Well, this is me. I trust people. I offer them the access to unlock my heart and become my friends. To join me in the circle of life. I usually show everyone my heart before they do. I love the satisfaction when they would eventually show theirs to you too. I thought this is the way to build a friendship or whatever-ship you wish for. I see cynics, cheaters, players, gentlements, loyals, and infatuated ones. At the end of the day, they are all the same. A gentlement sometimes can be a player. A player turns out to be the loyal. The infatuated would become a jerk. So why do we trouble ourselves to find out which category they belong to? So don't try to 'crown' them with 'title' anymore. In fact, the critical and tricky part here is the question of whether they can be trusted. We're on our own to decide from here onwards.

A good friend had always reminded me, "Trust the people in this world NO more." The cynical attitudes bothers me even more when he continued with "I don't trust u too." But he made his point sometimes. I just returned a smile to him. Lately, I kinda 'see' it through. I see the point that he is trying to deliver to me. I've been listening and thinking alot. I finally make my way up to the surface and breathe before I suffocate myself...

However, I'm still holding my own concept. I will show you my heart...and you show me yours. Will you?

~Just a peace of mind~

Engaged in a conversation with a friend. Soft, relax and soothing one. I'm glad I bumped into him again after a while. After some incidents. He is not a very close friend but a good friend. We don't know each other for long time but still it is long enough to talk of anything. Heart to heart. He was quite of an ego back then. But I'm so glad that he took off a tad of his ego and becomes an angel of enlightenment now. He is hoping to pray for me. What I can say is I'm so proud of you atok! Oh well, I call him atok and he calls me cucucucucu. That's the rhythm of his own. Ha!

Anyway, he is expecting me to post something beautiful and happy here. In my blog. Something is bothering me very much and tieing me down, he says. Atok with philosophy huh? Well, I admit that I was in abit of chaotic state lately. But things will get better. HE has the plan for us, HE would solve it for us right? Yea he is a christian. Anyway, I felt myself has awaken today. Perhaps I was impressed by the way he sees things and how much he had changed himself to a better person. Why am I being so stubborn over some problems? Dear, I apologise if I gave you pressures.

I've got nothing much of joy to write here today. The biggest joy for today is that I've cleared the painful doubts and I had awaken. He is somehow right. He believes that if he trusts in God, he would be protected. I'm not really a christian so don't expect me to understand much of this. What I'm feeling now is I'm lighter and relieved. It's like the moment as I crave for light so much in the darkness and when I look up ahead the guiding light is awaiting. Recalling the mood swing I had and the sorrows that tied me down, I somehow felt shameful. Maybe I should learn to ease my strain and meditate someday. To keep the chaos outta me. I long for peace...

~Ugly Reflection~

I've just noticed how much has this blog reflects my true self. From the first post to the the latest, all I see were affections, loves, sentimental and romance stories. I think I crossed abit over the line huh? Revealing too much of yourself here is not really a smart thing to do. But it is definitely the best way to express my feelings when I had nobody to turn to.

I'm a stubborn girl. Moderate. Like the balance. Adaptive. Loving. Sensitive. Fragile. The worst thing is I don't seem to have my stand when I should. Should I be more demanding? Should I start with take-it-easy rules? Come to realize it, I actually possess alot of negative attitudes. When would I care more on family? When would I stop regretting the fact that I'm lack of motherly love? When would I see things beyond the illusions? At the end of the day, there is only one questions that is when.

I'm not born to be an active person. In fact, I'm a little passive. I don't express myself much at the beginning of a friendship, relationship or any affairs. Perhaps it is partly due to the low self esteem I once had during childhood. I don't like to show my emotions much back then coz I think it makes me look weak and fragile. I don't carry sweet smiles when I was a child. That's how I hide my emotions. Nobody know whether I'm crying my heart out or smiling in joy. I keep it to myself and I released them to my angels in my dreams.

Now I'm a grown-up. I made friend with my smiles. I carry them everywhere I go. For a moment, I thought I has quit hiding emotions. But I was wrong. In some way, I am still hiding it. Fearing that I would show too much to people. So I hide and let all out virtually in this blog. The reflection of myself. However, I think it is time to learn the skills after all...

~spell for me : l.o.v.e~

dear you,

bittersweet. such a perfect word. happy moments come fast and even faster when they bid u goodbye. i am sitting here in front of my pc, having loads n tonnes of questions in my library. but surprisingly none can be extracted out, nor can they be brought out nicely in words. i hope i knew myself better. and i wanted to know u. when i open my eyes on one lonely night, i'm floating in the sea again. the merciless ocean is drifting me further from the shore. i'm helpless. i feel terrible when u're nowhere in sight. please tell me this is a dream and wake me up from my nightmare.

when i tell u that i love u, that's the moment when i can't stop loving u. here i show u my seriousness. this is my reality. is it far from your dreamland? unconsciously, u created a dreamland in my reality. where i find myself drowning deeper into the fantasy u gave me. i don't want to wake up from this dream. i figured how much i've let myself drowned...just don't wake me..

loving somebody is naturally bittersweet and heart-aching at times. the more u're into somebody, the more u would experience. beyond the suffers, there lies happiness. now it is a journey we walk together. i recalled a quote made by a friend which i find very true, happiness is a voyage, not a destination. when we're so dwelled to find our destination, we eventually missed out precious moments during the journey. well, afterall it's all depends on the patience we have and how much faith we're holding onto. i have that. do u?

don't let the past haunt us. we need a breakthrough. u were once confident. and u had convinced me. u said u want to keep it win-win. i hope u still do...

love,
me

~The Fun beyond the Suffer~

Pack it, seal it, lift it....THROW IT!!!!!!

Easy golden steps huh? Trust me it is not...for girls at least. Really hard. In fact, some of you might just give me a "ceh". BUT it's not time for macho issue.

I can feel the muscles in my arms shaking vigorously. Draining out the energy. Dang I just need to do something with it.

I need more work out on my arms. Muscles. Cos I NEED TO DO LIFTING before throwing a heavy box. Dang!
I got 80 cycles to complete this week!!

But at the same time, I feel like............S.h.o.p.p.i.n.g!! hehe...shhh!

Plotting a perfect plan...flawless plot to sneak out...
OK ok. If everyone knew bout it, Fine! I'm going to sneak out during lunch hour. HA!

"Ngek ngek ngek"...*Grinning mischievously*

~Heavenly or Ghostly~

....A sms received....
My tiny mobile screen display prompted me and eagerly I press on the buttons but what I saw was...er...nothing? So I wonder the possibilities. Was it my ice age mobile's fault or the server's problem or the fact that we could actually send blank sms to others (which I seriously doubt coz mine can't do so!) OK...let's not waste time here though I had to admit that I'm trying to. Aww what am I saying?

"Am I in heaven? NO! The air smells bad." Early in the morning, I woke up half consciously, figuring whether I am still in my dreamland. Outside is smoky, hazy, filled with stinky air (Grr..it dries up my skin) and I felt as if I'm in the new episode of "The ghostly grudge". Just get me out of the scene.

Ok an hour passed, miraculously (I'm still sleepy you see...) I find myself in a car. I see smoky air still. Hey I thought I'm outta scene already! So along the way to Freescale, I'm annoyed and get even sleepier as a result of the unfriendly air (Now it is annoying my mind). Hence, I tried to read in the car. But my eye lids can't help it, they wanted to 'shut down'. So I let them.

The next moment I opened my eyes again, it is still there! The haze..my my.. So I thought I would be "safe" inside the office. But sadly the air cond gives the same effect as the haze does. Except that it doesn't stink in here. -Fuh-uh-

~Where would IFs lead us to?~

"Let's have breakfast!"

W..haa..t? I've just said it, didn't I? If you couldn't convince yourself that it was me, neither do I! The mood thingy just came striking all of sudden and the next moment you just want it so badly without thinking of the consequence. There, that's when you should give in to your apetite and I had nasi lemak as breakfast. *Screaming in the head* GOSH Do you know how FATtening it is! Now I shall bear the consequence. 'Spicy' stomach!! And some extra work on calorie counting today's intake. But I didn't really eat much (Did I??), just a small portion and instead of nasi lemak, I ate MEEhoon lemak (Meehoon's carbohydrate is not as high as rice, right guys? RIGHT GUYS??!) .

Anyway, you know it was just a spicy apetite for today. Unlike yesterday, I had a funny apetite but still they shared a common point that is FAT. I had one slice of my favourite strawberry cake, few pieces of french fries, nuggets, and a slice of American brownies. (EW..). And I add in 'new' knowledge to my dictionary. Brownies are served hot! *Moan* Guess it's just me who don't know huh?

I must say that I had a fantastic weekends. Irresistible high carb food, L.O.L movie and great companion. *Muacks =)
The weekend passed by pretty fast, in a blink of eyes it's Monday already. Monday blue..when you need to goodbye me again and I need to get my ass to Freescale's lab. How good If only time freezes at happy moments. If only we could predict the future answer for certain questions that couldn't be answered now. If only I'm good enough with words. If only I could express myself as good as song writers. If only we knew we would last. If only.....

~The dark figure~

Day and night passed by. She is still on the shore, sitting on exactly the same spot, waiting for him, for a 'gift'. "There'll be a gift for you tonight" he promised. Curiosity, excitement took over her. Eagerly, she looked around the beach, then she saw.....

Bewildered. She rubbed her eyes few times and her pupil is growing bigger. She saw a dark figure under the moonlight. A tall man walking towards her. She looked at the figure as it is coming out of its shadow. She stumbled on her feet as she stands up. She saw a man grinning right in front of her. It was him. He is a gift indeed. Then, a smile cracked on her zonked face. "If this is a dream, don't ever wake me up.." she thought. They hug under the romantic moonlight on the beach. Long, silent hug with the company of the wave of the sea beating the shore.

The dim moonlight reveals the beauty of the island. The island is where they found each other. They were once floating in the deep ocean, losing directions. Hopeless. But just before the mysterious ocean devoured them, the island saved them. They found each other...on the shore. And that's when it begins...

~Bittersweet~

It feels like forever to them. Anticipation...Longing for the moment when they see each other again.
"Will the feeling fade away in no time?" He had doubted it earlier, she recalled. Before she could think, it seems that her heart had acted faster, now she is stepping deeper and deeper. A friend of her foreseen this day would come sooner than expected. "Slow." The word is still fresh in mind as though it was spoken just yesterday. Just that it has been abandoned in one corner of her mind. Now it suddenly comes popping out, however, its visit means no harm to the relationship. She is just surprised that despite being slow, it takes such a short time to get so drowned in the love pool. Slow, fast, and slow.....What is really about 'slow' in a relationship?

Not long since they started to commit with each other, they had to part. Since then, she learnt something bout appreciation. Considering this point, they treasured each other every second they spent together, just before the day they goodbyed each other. She was reluctant to let him go back then. But she had to. Anyway, it was all part of God's plan.

After his departure, she realized...how much he means to her.
The lovely memories they shared are so amazing an unforgetable. The passion keeps the flow. The romance keeps the warmth. The sweetness draws the two hearts near to each other. Without him, all she sees is emptiness...as though something part of her is missing.

And now she is alone on the "island" where they first met. Sitting on the shore, looking far out at the sea view that she almost strain the muscles on her neck, with the hope that she would see him sailing back. And she is Missing him...

~Dedicate to you both, the story...as promised~

She is captivating...He is charming..
Together they share a story. A story to be told here...

"Owh..look at her! Isn't she lovely?" She has the biggest eyes with long bewitched eye lashes. Each time she blinks, he would be deeply spellbound. He felt as though the time freezes right there. Her smile, her sweet rosy cheek, her everything have made her perfect. She is the one. We belong together, he thought,

He is a attractive, charming guy, probably coz of the pride he owns. At his age, he is steady, tall, loving and has limitless patience. She then chuckled to herself, thinking of the love and care he had showered on her. She likes him too. Sadly, there is no ending for both of them, she concludes in great despair.

Don't you threaten me anymore! I had enough of you." She hollered at her bf, trying to hold back her tears which have already welling in her eyes. The sweetness in her eyes has now filled with anger and sorrows. She felt as if her heart has been sliced, and the pain is unbearable. She's gonna breakdown, she thought.
She does not know who to turn to. But at the same time, his face crossed her mind. The cute face, the sweet talks, the sweet songs...all strike her subconscious.

"beep" The ring tone on her mobile goes urging her to read the new sms she received.

"I miss you. How is your day? Have you eaten yet?"

She can't hold her tears back. She dwelled into sadness, dilemmas and guilt. Her heartache is killing her and the tears are giving her a serious migraine now. What should I do? She figured it is time to reveal the truth. She realized how much he gained his entry in her heart that she must not continue the lie anymore. Else, she can't face him, neither can she face herself. All she wants is only forgiveness now. She prays silently.

"It is OK. You go settle your problem. I will be waiting for you and will respect your decision." He responds calmly, though deep down inside he is struggling very hard to hide his disappointment and sorrows. Both of them leave each other for a while. "When will this end? How long should I wait?" He let out a moan quietly. It was raining. He had trouble sleeping, and he stayed wide awake, staring blankly at the ceiling.

I'm so sorry. At the same time, she has no idea how to deal with the dilemmas. She has lost her faith, confidence in herself. "Have faith and it will bring you where you belong. Trust me." She reminiscenced her conversation with a friend. She took up the courage and finally makes a clear position for herself. Despite the bold determination, she is deeply hurt for putting the pain in others. But she know the sooner she ends the suffer, the better. For the time being, she is clear with what she wants all this while. But the time has not come yet.....

He is smiling, relief. He is proud of her and he is glad that she solved her problem. He doesn’t mind the waiting, he never had complained about it though. He has been very understanding and he goes "I'm willing to wait for you my dear." All he hopes for now is the chances to see her again. Normal outings would be sufficient to satisfy his hunger. Nothing more till she is ready... "I love you." he says in silence.

p.s: The story of two loving birds, let's all pray for them.....

Hehe...abybay, oesday ethay orystay esembleray oursway?

~The MorNoon~

~Mor-ling Mor-ling~
"Why no post?" A friend asked and the next thing I get from him was a big slap. Ouch* Virtually~ Gotcha!
It's indeed unusual for me to off blogging even for just one day recently, and I admit that I'm a real blogger now. Experiences, thoughts, sudden inspirations, craps, craps and yeah craps. Ha~and I got only 5 minutes left for this early post. How sad~ Couldn't spend time with you my dear bloggy. And of course baby, it's week four now, have you forgotten my face?

Ok, what's next? I'm going to production line to attend some sort of duno-what-the-heck training back there. After that, I will need to rush for my project. It's urgent. Not my concern anyway, I just want my holiday and that's the reason why I have to complete the project within the time frame.

~Noon Noon~
Aw..I'm back. Back as in, continue blogging. It is 12:15pm. Which means I haven't even post my morning entry and someone was rushing my ass off my chair already. So I left it here, unpost and now continuing...
I'm so down. I was doing the cross sectioning thingy, and I think I kinda overdo it. So.....I HAVE TO START BACK FROM SQUARE ONE! Worse come to worst, the transparent thingy is shrinking when I grind it. So can you imagine? Sooner or later my fingernails will kena grind too coz I am pressing the bloody thing with my own fingers! GREAT. Blistered fingers and grinded nails.

I don't get it when they sing "officially"..

ENOUGH! I can't help it but to release it all out here. Bear with me, you see I'm pretty sentimental. Haha...
- Here I go -

All I do is lay around
Two ears full tears
From looking at your face all over
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don’t even know you at all
I don’t know you at all
Well I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess its safe to say baby safe to say that
I'm officially missing you

Nostalgic, Unreachable, Pain, Unforgetful...

This song has been playing in my bio playlist repeatedly, non stop in my head! Sooner or later my lips take the effect and start singing along...The sorrows carried in this song, is so much to bear. This song caught my attention and I couldn't be bored of it. The song carries the worst feeling that a regretful lover had. Lost and emptiness is all I felt from the verse above. I reminiscenced a conversation everytime I listen to this. ~Now I don't know you at all~ I realised that many of us spend lifetime to put blame on someone's head after disasters happened and the next thing they do is pathetically saying that they don't know you anymore. Especially couple. I find it ironic when I heard this. Just because your other half claims his/her heart back from your belongings, it doesn't mean that you can spout out such ridiculous thing. That would only drill a deeper hole between the once bonded hearts, at the end of the day, it breaks off faster than anyone expected. Being together for so long, yet ironically declaring such feeling when both are hanging at the edge of the relationship. How could it be?

However, the song doesn't bring the meaning I mentioned above. It's more likely describing the feeling of emptiness. But IT does remind me of the ironics in the reality. If any of you know what I mean.
Shh...So back to the song...let's just appreciate the passions out of it...

It's 2pm, as promised, I have a date with spring. Oops..with DAGE! Haha...

The air stinks but some thinks that it is damped by sorrows..

You know there are five days I'll be at here. I blog daily. Should I repeat it again? Well for those new readers, it spells C-O-L-D. As for those who have been catching up with my blog, you can go ahead with a "Duh!". My eyes are tired, weak, losing its freshness. Anyone wanna tell me what I can do to save my poor sleepy droopy eyes?

Supposed today is a happy day since it is the last day of the weekdays but it seems to be the other way round now. Not only the air stinks but is filled with sorrows now. Heard few sad stories this morning. Sorrows = 1/2 love. The equation works roughly well, omitting the sophisticate part out of it. Here's the story..

It's all started with a surprise when I saw her sitting in the office alone. Should I say it's more like a shock. I am considered early today but there she is earlier than me! Something must have went wrong with that emotionless face and helpless expression. Poor baby, she had nightmares yesterday night! Nightmares are just dreams that would fade away in no time. Sometimes we are so dwell in worrying the future that we miss out those sweet and nice things in the present. Of course we would be curious in knowing what's gonna happen next. But it is IMPOSSIBLE. Even if it is possible, your life would not be as challenging as now, isn't it? Every day in the present should be well live and treasured to shape a better yet-to-know future. If that is the case, we might as well live today like tomorrow never comes (TOUCH WOOD..*papp papp*), right? Like I always said, we do the painting in the picture of life.

It is a painting which can't be erased. Memories remain in hearts. Though sorrows and pains in the past may not be deleted, we shall overwrite them with joys and happiness in the present. Bygones can never invade the present unless you welcome their presence. When we choose to live in the past, the story of life stops right there. As the saying goes, Life Goes On. So get back on track slowly and by the time you knew it you are following the flow already. Am I right dear? *Wink* This second part is for "haunted-by-past" ones.

Well, point of views are welcome if there's any chances that I made mistakes in my philosophy. Haha~after all, I'm not really in the position to teach "paintings". The above mentioned are solely thoughts, which are eager to set free from a corner called mind.

Ifway ere'sthay anythingway Iway ouldcay oday otay easeway ouryay ainpay, Iway ouldway...
Ouyay owknay Iway eallyray ouldway =)

~Say Cheeeese~

I'm NOT cold...I'm NOT cold...I'm NOT..NOT NOT.....
Dang! I'm freeeeezing cold! Looks like the hynotizing ain't working too well for me. Yea, me, the conscious me, me and me myself! Mr Hyde left me. Thanks to Dr Jd. *Wink* *Hugz*

I wasn't acting myself for the past few days. Anger, cynic, negative, hot headed, as if I was on the rack. And you won't like it when I'm get angry. FINE now I sound like The Hulk. I'm scary huh? The good news is I don't bite. I just.. Grr...Don't worry it only happened once in a bluemoon. BLUEmoon, ha!~you know how low are the chances to meet a blue moon?!

Anyway, just had my lunch. Yummy cheesy sausages rolled inside a piece of white bread. Yea that's enough for my lunch. In fact I had the same dish for my breakfast too. I'm a sausage freak. Cheesy one especially. Cheese!

A short flashback....
I was looking around when a question shot to me. "Why are you smiling all the time?" On his face, I saw an "are-u-psychotic" expression. Oops I don't even remembered that I was smiling as I looked around. Anyway I kept my smile still. I am driving him nutz!

*PooP* Alright, time to solve the mystery. The answer to the question is...cheese. Haha OK don't believe that.

My eyes going "cuckoo" soon, I start to see black line circulating my eye balls, then slowly I'm spinning as if I am teleporting to another dimensions. Look at what you've done to me, my precious DAGE. Well, relax dearie it's only a microscope! i have been working with DAGE boy (mm..I wonder if it has a gender) so often this week, to be exact for the rest of the training. We work as a team when I conduct the ball thingy tests. You know pull and push. Oops I'm sorry It's shearing and pulling the fragile silver balls. Speaking of fragile...they are quite of a critical piece of shit. You know you can't drop them, you must minimise any external force on them while you're handling them (if possible, zero force), you can't touch them, you can't and can't and just can't. Even a single drop of dust would failed the scanning test! I almost got myself into trouble the other day when I accidentally turned over the rack and mess them up! I managed to escape the disaster when the kind and sweet operator told me that the test result is just fine. ONLY one got rejected and they would do something to that poor piece. Owh, they better do...I hope.

Lunch time is over~ I won't be meeting DAGE today. We date tomorrow. OK dear DAGE?

~Tilted Scale~

love, trust, forget, faith, confidence

a friend once says "I lied to him and it blow off my confidence and faith is fading away.."

Now I realised how she hurt herself badly stuck in the middle. As I walked further away from my horrid past, you were with me all along. I trusted everyone close to me in my life. I trust you. I don't trust myself. As I trudged further, the road is getting steeper and steeper. However, it ain't gonna stop me from venturing. I understand her pain coz I no longer feel confidence in myself too. I am no tough girl, but a weakling. I am more of a cynic when my scale tilts. All my life I realised how hard I've been balancing myself. My scale, my life. Will you help me get my balance?

The merciless ocean has once again turn fierce. Girl, you will survive from being consumed by the giant wave. I will too. The stars are guiding us from the above. The shore is near you where you least expected, you will be able to find something to cling on as you swim back towards the shore. The fishes will be ushering you back to where you belong. He is waiting for you. Remember you are the one and only control to yourself, no more.

The lessons that I learnt from my past is not easy one. Many says they have phobias over the history. Now I realised it is not the past that haunt us, it is the lessons that we learned from the past. I'm not sure whether they come for good. Deep inside I know well even if little thing happens, it would trigger the whole thing up. As if the stubborn history repeats itself once again, pressing down my confidence. Am I still living in the shadow of my past?

I really should just stop digging my frustrated past. I should go on...

~The unreadable~

theysaywordsarelikecharmitsealsyourmindandinfluenceyour

subconsciouswithwhattheyhave toourdefenselssmindthepower

ofwordscanovertakeyourcapabilityincontrollingyourmindweareall

buriedwiththisnaturalvocabularytalentitslicedyourheartbutitalso

bringsjoyalostgirldon'tknowwhattothinkalreadyisshejustbeingchildish

overwhatshesawitisnotlikehertoactthiswaybutwhatiswithherthis

timeshehasnoideadontwannadoanythingdontevenbothertoputany

fullstoptothisblogwhatsoevergrammarmistakeshedontgiveadamn

sheislosingherbalanceallofsuddenthefirstheartacheshefelt

itcomesoutofnowherewithoutwarningandthankstoherslowreflex

thatcausethesuddendepressionwasitjealousywasitlowselfesteem

sheistiredyetconsciouswithwhatisaheadherbutwhatiswrongibetshe

wouldn'twannacommentanythingonthisincidentshehasnoideashedont

knowitbutshejustdontfeellikespeakingtoanyonenowtheysayignorance

isablissiguesssherealisedhowtrueitisnowtruthoftenhurtsbutthatisstill

whatsheaskfromhimdespitethepainthatpenetratedherheartshepromised

thatshecouldtakewhateverthatcomesthisisacomewhatmayjourneychosen

sheshouldntregretallshewantisjustasimplehappylifecanyoupromisedher

thisidontknowwhatistruthalreadycoswordscanbedeceivingidontknow

whatiamtalkingaboutnowigotoffbalancethescaleisstrugglingtoweighthe

dilemmasthathasbeenbotheringherisshelosingherfaithapartofhersaidnobut

anotherpartofhermessedupasifsomekindofunknownvirusattacksherpathetic

mindshetriedtoswallowitinaminutetimebutshecouldntdigestanddestroy

themontimelettingthemgetthebetterofheritisnothisfaultitishersshefreaksout

andactirrationallysuddenlyifthisisthesocalledjealousythenitwouldbeherfirsttime

feelingsosheissoconfusedthatshedontknowhowtohandleitthiswouldcause

scratchestohersteadyimageinotherseyessheneverknowsheisreallythisweak

sheismadwithherselffornotabletoanalysethingsfasterinsteadletproblems

consumeherthoroughlyuntiltheyoutpowerhermindheisrightsheisweakafter

allmaybesheisstillunstablesincethehorridpastshetriedherbesttofaceitherself

andnotlettingitoffonsomebodyelseshemissedhimwonderingwhathewouldbe

doingnowmissingmefiguringoutwhathasgottenherintothismoodyswingwell

afteralltherubbishshefeltatadbettersorestinpeacethedevil

~The Waiting~

I watched them as the poor transparent with pinky layer below it turning to blue purplish. Thanks to the cruelty of the proudly invented machine that produces cool air. I felt the numbness in me ady, penetrating my once pinky palm, the merciless turn my soft palm to pale white. Needless to mention, my face is as white as vampire, omitting the big dark eye bags I had due to the late hours sleep during the past few nights. Defnitely doesn't look so cool today. "Beep beep!" Confidence level detected at low peak.

*Vibrating* "Dissapointed la..." Looking at the time, 4.45am it shows. I jumped out of my teddy bed, headed to the chair in front of my pc. Owh..there they are. Things become complicated it seems where nobody can do anything at the moment but just wait. But often people takes things for granted as they converted waiting to dragging mode. It's understood that we need time to figure out a solution to a problem or a decision to dilemma. But if they let it stay that way when the solution is there, it is called dragging. I made this mistakes in my past. If you need one day to think about what is happening, I might just need a week for that. My worst record was half a year. "Worst" is the word I used to describe it because it was neither good or fair to others. I'm truly sorry for the 'delay'. Thanks to all the people around me, I've become stronger with your help. I hope she would too.

Someday we would learn the true meaning of waiting...waiting for someone.
Longing..Anticipation..Expectation..
Within it, there are excitement..Disappointment..Swing..Numb..
Beyond them, there may be satisfaction..Worthwhile..Gratefulness..Smiles..
Afterall, they are just part of life and its lessons are priceless.

~The road we walked~

It is beautiful. Everybody is holding their camera focusing it with different positions. As I strolled further down, stumbled few times as I crossed the busy road. Clumsy I admit. The yellow light and the decorations along the road amazed me with its beauty. The feeling is back once again. Reminding me how I used to walk this road so often. I'm not alone after all, memories are with me. Then, she smiled at me all of sudden. A chick in her tube top with a scarf round her neck and white miniskirt revealing her long legs. She is sweet. Dressed up to rock the guys out there huh! Then I passed by a high class restaurant. I am able to see through inside the restaurant for the wall is made of glass and quickly I took a peep from outside. I saw a family enjoying their dinner, the food was served in such a big plate but....I find it hard to locate the main course! Haha~The food stands right in the middle of the big round plate. Nicely decorated but I doubt the portion can fulfill the big man's hunger. So eating doesn't mean merely to satisfy your hunger huh?

I past by another bar, Modesto is its name. I saw a girl and a boy, on their table was served with a glass of beer and a glass of cocktail called "Sex on the beach". They shared laughters, stories, memories, sorrows, and joys there. They actually stayed a couple of hours having their never ending conversations till the place closed...

*Pooop!* I figured I have to get going to ensure I'm not late for work today...
To be continued...